Queen of Pain

I am being brought back to one of my unforgettable memories back in college. I remember my most-hated-turned-most-wanted art professor, Mr. Bob Feleo. A sage to be revered.

I remember how i first met him, it was during my first class under him on my third year. Oh, how i hated him. I hated his style, hated how he smoked while holding his class, hated him period. And here's what, he hated me back. How could i forget? The only art professor who gave me a 2.0 in my class card.

Until, this most interesting plate of mine came. It was when we were assigned to work on a plate entitled "lyricism." As an artist, sure i had tons of ideas! It was fun. We started out with collages, searching for themes, and finally, we get to work on a final painting incorporating the entire concept. The theme that i came up with was somewhat like a series of hot air balloons lining up the sky forming the shape of a bridge in a landscape. Can you even visualize (i think i'd need Charles Dickens to teach me how to describe this with much clarity)? So, in my collage you'd see a bridge and hot air balloons in a romantic landscape. I showed it to Sir Bob. Man, he got kinda interested, began suggesting things, and wow! We ended up with a Golden Gate Bridge on my landscape, hot air balloons, and a light bulb at the end of these balloons lining up. Here's my problem: when i was about to execute the collage on my canvas, he told me he wanted an exact perspective of the Golden Gate Bridge on the painting.

Did he just say PERSPECTIVE? Oh my friend, to be honest with you, it's the next worst thing in my system, next to geometry! Would you believe? I used to love math back in high school but geometry and the whole lot is a totally different story. I was doomed.

I had no idea how to figure it out. With all hopes gone, my last option was to consult a professional architect. Yet, Sir Bob still didn't like what the architect suggested (which was to do it on freehand). Finally, he taught me how he wanted it done. And there I did the perspective upon manual calculations (please don't dare ask me now how i did it).

It took me months to finish my plate (that which should only be done in 3 weeks). Wonder how i went through it? I literally cried over doing the perspective the whole time. Excruciatingly unbelievable.

Here's my beautiful end of story: I clearly remember how my professor discussed my plate in class: "One thing that made this plate exemplary was that it was painstakingly done." After that my whole outlook about art has changed. Moreover, my outlook about him has totally changed. Because of him, factors such as symbollism, philosophy, and the fundamentals in my field has kept me intact since. I thank him for bringing out the best in me, and i'm grateful i decided to endure the pain.

But pain doesn't stop there. Forgive me for my lengthy memoir, but the reason why i remembered this is because i am currently in pain. But now is quite different. When you are being confronted by your leader or mentor, accused of so many things, spoken to with very painful words that keep ringing in your head like some creepy dream you've had, it's a different story. I wonder how i can eventually manage this pain. I have no idea where i should go from here, but one thing's in my heart: i know there's a Big Hand working all throughout my life that's why i won't give up seeking for answers to things that need to be fixed in my life. I won't give up dying, I won't give up following where the Big Hand leads me to, even though he leads me through the narrowest road. I'm praying He would give me people who would truly care for me, those who will love me even when sometimes i fail to take responsibility. People of grace. People who would care to think about how a sheep would feel. All my life i have learned to love the toughest people i've met, but all i'm asking now is a pinch of compassion and understanding. Regardless, i know that in no time, i will be thankful for all of this.