Sunday, June 24, 2007

Cheerful Reflection

Me
By: Paula Cole

I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house or my car or my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

Chorus:
And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and its strong
Like a mountain
I go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground


And its me who's too weak
And its me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
And its me who's too weak
And its me who's too shy
To ask for the thing I love
That I love

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, I know, yes I know

That I love

But it's me
And it's me
But it's me

I have just decided to quit wearing a sorry face and start wearing again the smile i got tired of. It pays to always look at the bright side of things and to always carry things (no matter how painful) with a joyful heart.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Cursed


Today i've just realized that within me lies a hidden peril as I stride along this path called life. Pride, let alone arrogance, has been stealthily creeping into my system, rather little by little devouring the ends of my soul. Pretty scary. Especially when i do nothing about it. Before i know it, it might be too late to find out i've already been infested by a huge sum of deception surrounding me. The merciful thing i'd face (next to an eternal death), given that i'd do nothing about this, would be a curse.

There's one thing that has been unchanging since pride dawned upon me: I never run out of negative things to point at. Like when someone nudges me for no reason at all, my nostrils would easily fume with fury. Or when someone tells me how things should have been done, when i did the exact opposite, i'd feel like just waliking away without a word, ditching the parrot talking. Friend, if you're somehow feeling the same way, you're on your way to a curse. Be warned. Resilience is never too easy.

You know what? I'm actually on my way to having the original emo look now (just as how Peter Parker had it when he was cursed living with that symbiont in Spiderman 3). But i changed my mind. I've decided i won't live the curse. The one sure thing that awaits me here is death (Mind you, it's not even a meaningful death, but an empty one.). And i don't want that. I want a life well-lived, rather a life well-spent dying (if there's such a kind).

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Living For Oneself vs. Dying To Self


A quarter-life crisis. This just seems so true among my fellow young adults fighting the real battle out there. Bottomline? The big question screaming within: "What's in it for me?"

Being in the first quarter of my life, so many questions have already flooded my heart, not to mention the conversations I've had with my friends in their early 40's now. I've been quite comparing and asking have they really experienced the cliche "mid-life crisis"? Some of them said yes, they did. My follow-up question was: "If you were to weigh, was your life during the first half leaning towards a bunch of regrets or a bucket of fulfillments?" Some could not answer quite clearly. Instead, they told me of their old friends who happened to encounter the said excruciating crisis, that all they did was seek external happiness and end up living in circles.

My generation today best exemplifies the quarter-life crisis as we deeply look through the weary, perplexed eyes that lead to its soul. But let me tell you something, I don't believe in its entirety. What i think my generation should realize is that real fulfillment, amidst all perplexities and uncertainties, comes when we know what we are called for, that true happiness boils down to offering your whole life to service of mankind. I know, yes, i'm not a superhero, much less a Darna to be saying this. I don't say this claiming i understand every bit of what I preach. In fact, I hardly do.

I have just landed on a pioneering feat, and I am so grateful for it. But now, I have realized that though it's promising in every angle, a tiny dot would show you that not all there is will always make you feel good. In the process, I have gone through some emotional pains and confusion (some of which are not yet resolved), this year I have been losing people dear to me, and next year, sadly, i will be losing another dear one. My chief designer for the project that we have just recently formed has decided to leave for that mid-eastern country to seek for greener pastures. I have nothing against it, but when i heard this, all i've been thinking about was that dilemma going on in my head: Will I live for myself or for others? For some reason, I just could not reconcile my point. Maybe it's because it's not my life, it's not i who will be facing the decision made. I was wondering how i could even reach out and tell her things i've been learning about, that more than anything, seeking your Creator's call in life is the major thing. Maybe, right now, this anxiety about losing someone dear to me and reaching out to her isn't the issue. I strongly believe, and I want to believe, that the main issue here is how i will face the loss, how i will use this to yield myself to some greater things ahead of me, some greater opportunities to die to myself and live for others. Yes, one of the growth pangs, I suppose. But more than that, this phase exemplifies a life of a living martyr, that of a real life hero.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"Daily" Queen

"Dad, I don't want a lizard!" Dad looked at his 3-year old boy on their way out of the ice cream shop and mockingly replied: "It's not lizard honey, it's Blizzard." We were laughing real hard as the cute annoyed kid dashed out of the place while dragging his dad's hand. Of course, we were all sitting there, watching people go crazy about what flavor to get at that place called "Dairy Queen." Yeah, i'm pretty sure anyone would know what exactly i'm talking about. Especially when i say the Brownie Temptation Blizzard is to die for. Man, you wouldn't care if this temptation leads you straight down to the abyss. It just tastes perfect, i didn't even care that i was already having it for the past three straight weeks.
I've been on a project that made me stay quite long in that new mall somewhere in Quezon City, and one of the prettiest things that made my job so enjoyable, let alone sinful, was this ice cream i can never cut ties with. Now that my job there is done, due to memories attached to it, i cannot not drop by the shop everytime i see it. How strange, i know i'm a sweet-toothed being but my OC-ness when it comes to maintaining my white teeth just so contradicts this chocolate frenzy. I just hope i'd be brought back to my sanity much sooner (though i know it won't happen, not in a month's time). Can someone help me, please?