Thursday, June 14, 2007

Living For Oneself vs. Dying To Self

A quarter-life crisis. This just seems so true among my fellow young adults fighting the real battle out there. Bottomline? The big question screaming within: "What's in it for me?"

Being in the first quarter of my life, so many questions have already flooded my heart, not to mention the conversations I've had with my friends in their early 40's now. I've been quite comparing and asking have they really experienced the cliche "mid-life crisis"? Some of them said yes, they did. My follow-up question was: "If you were to weigh, was your life during the first half leaning towards a bunch of regrets or a bucket of fulfillments?" Some could not answer quite clearly. Instead, they told me of their old friends who happened to encounter the said excruciating crisis, that all they did was seek external happiness and end up living in circles.

My generation today best exemplifies the quarter-life crisis as we deeply look through the weary, perplexed eyes that lead to its soul. But let me tell you something, I don't believe in its entirety. What i think my generation should realize is that real fulfillment, amidst all perplexities and uncertainties, comes when we know what we are called for, that true happiness boils down to offering your whole life to service of mankind. I know, yes, i'm not a superhero, much less a Darna to be saying this. I don't say this claiming i understand every bit of what I preach. In fact, I hardly do.

I have just landed on a pioneering feat, and I am so grateful for it. But now, I have realized that though it's promising in every angle, a tiny dot would show you that not all there is will always make you feel good. In the process, I have gone through some emotional pains and confusion (some of which are not yet resolved), this year I have been losing people dear to me, and next year, sadly, i will be losing another dear one. My chief designer for the project that we have just recently formed has decided to leave for that mid-eastern country to seek for greener pastures. I have nothing against it, but when i heard this, all i've been thinking about was that dilemma going on in my head: Will I live for myself or for others? For some reason, I just could not reconcile my point. Maybe it's because it's not my life, it's not i who will be facing the decision made. I was wondering how i could even reach out and tell her things i've been learning about, that more than anything, seeking your Creator's call in life is the major thing. Maybe, right now, this anxiety about losing someone dear to me and reaching out to her isn't the issue. I strongly believe, and I want to believe, that the main issue here is how i will face the loss, how i will use this to yield myself to some greater things ahead of me, some greater opportunities to die to myself and live for others. Yes, one of the growth pangs, I suppose. But more than that, this phase exemplifies a life of a living martyr, that of a real life hero.

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